Top 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better than Picard

  1. One Word: Balls
  2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
  3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
  4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
  5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
  6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
  7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
  8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
  9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
  10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
  11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
  12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
  13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
  14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
  15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
  16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
  17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
  18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
  19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
  20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
  21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
  22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
  23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
  24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
  25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
  26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
  27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
  28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
  29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
  30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
  31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
  32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
  33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
  34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
  35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
  36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
  37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
  38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
  39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
  40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
  41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
  42. Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
  43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
  44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
  45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
  46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
  47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
  48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
  49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO ____ YOURSELF."
  50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
  51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
  52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
  53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
  54. One Word: Miniskirts.
  55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
  56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
  57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
  58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
  59. Kirk is not politically correct.
  60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
  61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
  62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
  63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
  64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
  65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
  66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
  67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head
  68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
  69. One Word: Iman.
  70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
  71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
  72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
  73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
  74. One Word: Velour.
  75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
  76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
  77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans.
  78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
  79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
  80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
  81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
  82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
  83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
  84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
  85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
  86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
  87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
  88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
  89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
  90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
  91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
  92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
  93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
  94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
  95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
  96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
  97. One Word: Hair.
  98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
  99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
  100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.

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Last update: December 9, 1996